You may have noticed over the last year that my blog content was less frequent. During this time, I walked through a major personal change where I faced grief and deep pain. However, my dedication to my children and my work helped sustain me during this difficult time. Also, I learned how strength shows up when we're at our lowest. And, that while we must walk through the pain, it teaches us what we're made of and where our true identity lies.
Growing up I could never understand why people would hurt themselves. When I was younger I watched a girl I knew hide numerous cuts on her arm. I always wondered why this person would inflict pain on themselves? That is until I faced my own deep pain.
During my recent personal struggles, my pain reached levels I'd never felt before. Life felt out of control. Emotionally, I was completely falling apart, but when you are a parent there is no such thing as time off. What multiplied the pain when I thought it couldn’t get any worse was seeing my kids hurt as well. My kids pain becomes my own, and when I thought I couldn’t hurt anymore I would see the pain in them and the suffering deepened.
What do you do when you literally feel like life is too hard, but the love for your children is stronger and you know they need you? I will tell you. You dig deeper and deeper and deeper. I am talking levels of digging you had no clue were in you.
I wanted the pain to lessen and it would not, so what did I do? I tried to take control of the pain I was experiencing. For a while I had wanted to get three piercings on my ear, but never did for many reasons, one being the annoyance of healing your cartilage.
I never planned to do all three piercings in one sitting, but that is exactly what I did. I headed down to Pearl Street in Boulder, Colorado and asked for three piercings on my cartilage. One earring for each of my babies. I hoped the pain would be so bad it would distract me from the pain I was feeling inside.
I know it sounds weird or sad, but feeling like I had some control of the pain I was experiencing felt good to me. The first two piercings barely pinched. The last one must have hit a nerve or something because initially I wanted to jump off the table and scream. The pain lingered for a few minutes and slowly subsided. My heart still hurt, but the pain I had inflicted on myself gave me a feeling of control and at times would distract me from the emotional pain I was experiencing.
My take away is DON’T ever judge anyone! I don’t know why others hurt themselves, but I know I was hurting so bad that I wanted to control the pain. If I could go back in time and tell others what I needed then, it was LOVE, SUPPORT and some type of control in my life.
For many reasons most people in my life and the community I was a part of had know idea what I was going through. I don’t think you can ever go wrong with love and kindness. If you have a friend, family member, coworker or someone in your community who you know is going through a tough time, I encourage you to reach out. Just knowing someone is keeping you in their thoughts can be so powerful.
Also, looking back I wish I had communicated with others how I was feeling. My heart was broken, I was in disbelief and everything I had felt like it was completely unraveling. I wish I would have reached out and asked for shoulders to cry on and support for myself and my kids. If this means anything to anyone, in hindsight I wish I would have asked for help.
But, now I am on a path to healing and renewed strength. The pain does pass and joy once again shines through.